It was 2014 and a video of Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice punching out his fiancée in an elevator was all over the news, sparking conversations on social media. When the victim later married Rice, online comments blamed her for the abuse: “Why’d she stay with him? She must like it.” Beverly Gooden, a domestic abuse survivor, was stung by the reaction.
“I felt like they were talking to me,” she recalled, “and I felt guilt. You can feel weak and stupid.”
She felt compelled to post reasons why she stayed in her relationship as long as she did with a series of Tweets followed by the hashtag: WhyIStayed.
“I realized the hashtag was trending in the U.S. I was like, ‘who are they talking about? Who got abused?'” Gooden said.
Other women used the hashtag to share their own stories and within two days it was used more than 100,000 times.
“The next day this happened,” Gooden told her audience at the Center for Family Justice’s annual Speaking of Women fundraising luncheon at The Waterview in Monroe, Conn., Tuesday afternoon.
What followed was a clip of Gooden being interviewed on ABC News.
“I wanted to change the conversation from, ‘why did she stay?’ to ‘why did he abuse her?'” Gooden said of the reason for her Tweets.
Forbes named #WhyIStayed one of the most important social change hashtags of 2014 and Time recognized it as one of the “Top 10 Hashtags That Started a Conversation.” In 2015 she was highlighted among “8 Hashtags That Changed the World.”
Gooden, an award winning writer who lives in Houston, Texas, has done speaking engagements and appeared on “Good Morning America” and NPR’s “All Things Considered.” She established the Ella Mae Foundation in honor of her late grandmother.
She was the keynote speaker at CFJ’s luncheon Tuesday and signed copies of her book, “Surviving: Why We Stay & Why We Leave Abusive Relationships.”
CFJ’s mission
The Center for Family Justice serves six communities, including Monroe, Easton, Fairfield, Bridgeport, Stratford and Trumbull. Led by President and CEO Debra Greenwood, CFJ provides free and confidential services to victims of domestic violence, sexual abuse and child abuse.
The nonprofit offers hotlines and provides education for prevention, legal support services and counseling. CFJ also reaches out to youth with Pathways to Hope and Camp Hope, where many of the young campers who suffered from abuse go on to become camp counselors themselves, mentoring others.
The center recently opened Patti’s Place, a 10,000-square-foot safe house for domestic abuse victims and their families and victims of sexual trafficking. Greenwood said it’s filled to the brim.
The Center for Family Justice’s staff and volunteers work with state and municipal officials, police and schools to serve more than 5,800 clients a year — and demand is always rising.
On Tuesday, guests at the 28th annual Speaking of Women included local and state officials, police chiefs and officers from the area it serves, and many representatives of businesses that support CFJ’s cause.
Lt. Gov. Susan Bysiewicz attended the luncheon, U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal, D-Connecticut, sent a video message expressing gratitude and support, and U.S. representatives Jim Himes, D-4th, and Rosa DeLauro, D-3rd, sent representatives in their place.
Among the officials from all six towns in attendance, Monroe First Selectman Terry Rooney introduced Greenwood, who praised Monroe Superintendent Joseph Kobza for being a role model for bringing CFJ’s programs into his town’s schools.
Cindi Bigelow, president and CEO of Bigelow Tea, was recognized as the 2025 Speaking of Women Distinguished Honoree recipient.
Treating women well
Gary MacNamara, a former Fairfield police chief who is now executive director of public safety at Sacred Heart University, leads CFJ’s White Ribbon Campaign, in which men and boys work together to prevent domestic violence. He has also led the annual Walk a Mile in Her Shoes event for the past decade.
“I focus on men, because men are most likely the offenders, but most men don’t offend,” MacNamara said of preventing abuse.
He said parents always tell their daughters to be safe — to make sure no one puts anything in their drinks and to be careful who they are with. But often nothing is said to sons, who should be told, “don’t hit women.”
Of all the types of abuse, MacNamara expressed concern over strangulation because “it shows a different intent.” He said social media promotes the notion that it’s cool to be strangled during sex, “which is one step away from a violent situation.”
MacNamara shared a quote from a political figure in Colorado, Jeff Bridges: “It’s not enough just to treat women well. We have to work to make sure all men treat women well.”
Why she stayed
Andrea Kawakami of M&T Bank, the corporate sponsor of Tuesday’s event, introduced Gooden, who was later interviewed in a “fireside chat” with Anna Zap, host of “The Anna and Raven Show” on Star 99.9, who served as master of ceremonies.
Gooden told the story of how her boyfriend proposed to her.
“We went to a nice fancy restaurant. A piano player played my favorite song. I turned to him and he was on one knee,” she said. “He said, ‘I love you. Will you live with me forever?’ The abuse had already started.”
Gooden’s boyfriend threw a birthday party for her, but after it was over, he told her she wasn’t appreciative enough. She said he pushed her up against a wall and strangled her.
“I didn’t leave. That was the first time,” she recalled. “Maybe I did something to make you act that way?”
The abuse went on for over a year.
“I stayed because I believed every love song I ever heard,” Gooden said of her belief it would work out. “I loved him. I know that’s hard to hear. I loved the person I met, not the abuser. ‘We will get back to that person.'”
Gooden said she decided to leave her husband after he attacked her with no explanation of what could have set him off.
“One morning I woke up to him pushing me out of bed,” she said. “It was different this time. Usually he gave a reason. I realized I didn’t do anything to cause this. ‘You decided to do this.’ I ran to the bathroom. He threw things at me. He strangled me. I decided I wanted to live more than I wanted to stay with him.”
Gooden shared three reasons why many victims stay with their abuser. Many are dependent on their husband to pay the bills or provide health insurance, many stay out of fear — threats to kill them, hurt their children or their pet, and love.
Though Gooden left her husband 15 years ago, she said she still misses the person she first met, his smile, his laugh and his music.
During their fireside chat, Zap asked Gooden what advice she would give to someone leaving an abusive relationship.
“Connect immediately with CFJ and its services,” Gooden said. “It takes people to ground you. I had a community of people to hold me accountable and remind me of the sad statistics — that things don’t change. There is a lot of recidivism and doing it alone is hard.”
Anyone who needs assistance is encouraged to call CFJ’s 24-hour domestic violence hotline at 1-203-384-9559 or sexual assault hotline at 1-203-333-2233. To make a donation to the Center for Family Justice, click here.
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